Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Discouraged, Determined, Devoted

I guess I'm not a very devoted blogger yet because I still haven't gotten to the point where I will blog from my mobile device while I am on vacation, haha. If you follow me on Twitter (@newlyidentified) then you know exactly what I have been up to for the last two weeks, traveling with my family and then traveling again with my husband's family. I seem to have no problem taking a few seconds to update you in 140 characters or less on Twitter. I may have to convert to blogging-on-the-go because next month is crazy, too. While I haven't been writing blogs, I've been thinking a lot about something important I have been learning recently. I've never really blogged about a personal lesson I'm in the middle of learning. But I have decided to, because that is the whole reason I started this blog. I wanted a place to share the things I was learning, and hopefully receive support from you, as I become "newlyidentified."

After writing my last post, hubby and I finished up our last day of working together (see this post). Following work, we went to spend time with his mother who was in town. Our time was spent having lunch and enjoying shopping at Tai Pan Trading Company, a wholesale home decor store, which I absolutely love. Hubby helped me pick some great things for our home. Later, hubby and I headed back home for a BBQ with our neighbors since it was a holiday. Then after eating we went out to watch the celebratory firework show! I absolutely love fireworks, and we had a great time with our fun friends!

My story really begins on Saturday morning, the 25th, when hubby and I woke up early and he drove me to the airport to catch my 7AM flight home to Boise. I had originally planned to fly out in the afternoon so I could spend a few days at home (once your married any days home are hard to come by), but an unexpected change in my family's plans led me to leave sooner. Hubby was not happy about that. I think partly because he's not a huge fan of spontaneity? Maybe he felt a little left out? He had responsibilities keeping him home.

That day I could tell that he wasn't happy with me, or the situation (leaving he and Mom #2 earlier than planned), or something. Even though he was playing it off really well, it was obvious to me that something wasn't right. I haven't been married that long--only 9 months on Saturday--but I know my husband well enough to read his signals. I arrived in Boise by 8AM but was only there a few hours before Mom, my brother and I left for a road trip across the whole Northwest. Our first stop was Portland, OR and then over the next few days we visited Seattle, WA and Northern Idaho. We even did a little afternoon trip across the Canadian border and back. Canada has some great candy not sold in the U.S. and it made the trip totally worth it! Meanwhile, as each day passed I started to feel more distance between my husband and I. Even though we were being cordial in our conversations, I wasn't very happy with the mediocrity and I felt like we were losing our closeness.

I finally made it back home to him a few days later. I had gotten a ride back to Utah with family. Hubby was supposed to come pick me up from their relative's house when we got to town, but due to a miscommunication he was a little late. Unfortunately, that killed my buzz of excitement that I had anticipating seeing him again. It was just little things that were happening.

The next day we left on our own little road trip to Moab, UT for his family reunion. We had a great time! We laid out by the pool, went swimming, went on a boat ride, and just had fun with family. However, I felt we were just dealing with each other rather than really enjoying one another. In addition, I was witnessing other couples getting stressed and frustrated with each other occasionally (lots of traveling plus heat didn't help them). I was beginning to feel extremely discouraged about marriage! Had I hit the point in my marriage where the "honeymoon's over" and now we just deal with each other!? After the reunion, when we made it back home I finally got up the courage to tell him how I was feeling. He didn't really respond to my plea very much at first. I wrote a desperate tweet, "I'm very discouraged. I poured my heart out and was left humiliated and alone." I was feeling horrible knowing in that moment we were settling with being just kind of happy instead of super happy. The next day continued, and again it wasn't a bad day...it just wasn't as good as it could be and I didn't want to settle anymore.

Finally, the that night I got up the courage to wear my heart on my sleeve again. I was determined to get him to do the same so that we could have a real conversation and understand each other. He finally opened up expressing his feelings, and we began to close the gap that had grown between us. Obviously, there is more to the both sides of the story than I shared. Nonetheless, I'm glad it wasn't a bigger issue because it was resolved early.

What I am in the middle of learning now, is that just because you were super happy yesterday it doesn't mean that you are going to automatically be super happy tomorrow. I was really confused over the last two weeks while going through this minor situation, because hubby and I had been really happy the last few months. I didn't understand how we had regressed. It wasn't even like things were that bad, they just weren't as great as they could have been and I didn't want to just be ok with that. As each day passed, I became more frustrated with the mediocrity that was slowly creeping into our marriage. Then finally I realized, duh...once you achieve "super happy" you have to continue to make that decision every day. You each have to be devoted to the selflessness, the conversations, the patience, the sense of humor, and the spouse that help you achieve that goal daily. I'm glad I started figuring it out while we were just kind of happy, rather than waiting until we weren't even happy anymore and wondering what in the world had happened. Finding the courage to speak the feelings that were making me scream inside was worth it.

Have you noticed cycles in your marriage, or other relationships? I am pleased to inform you, that not only are we super happy again...we are the happiest we have been so far!


  1. Oh yea, that's so normal! I feel that way every not and then and as long as you don't settle for that, and always "make up" and try to make it better it'll be ok! At least I think. There have been times I've thought "what did I DO!?" haha, but those happen rarely. Just know it will happen from time to time, but don't let yourself get alarmed. Remember why you married him and why it was right! And that things will get in the way now and then, but to not let them take away from what you have.

    Also, people change over time, just remember to change together and continue to grow together!

  2. People change, change together...I like that. Thanks girl!


Your comments help me learn and grow even more. Thank you!